Turning the Tide

It’s time I experience a Turning of the Tide in my professional and personal life. The verb Turn the Tide has one meaning; a complete reversal of the circumstances.

For many years now I’ve sworn I would never work with anyone again. I tried that a couple times and it didn’t work out so well. Once upon a time I opened my practice to two other midwives. We worked together for a few years before ‘issues arose.’ It’s complicated is putting it mildly but those issues evolved into something that split not only our professional relationship but our personal ones. I walked away from a business that I had started many years prior to working with them. My attorneys said I’d win a battle for the name but the fighting would have taken a lot of finances and time but more importantly, it would have cost me so much in the spiritual/emotional realm that it just didn’t seem worth it. My hubby said if I could build the business up to the place where it was being fought over, then I could do it again. And so I limped off, spent a year working through the betrayal and pain and starting over again.

I spent a lot of time meditating on the word of God. Whenever I heard rumors about myself or felt frustrated because of the circumstances, I was reminded about a scripture in the old testament; Jeremiah 6:16. The preceding verses talk about the wickedness of Jerusalem; their greed, deceit and lack of shame – things that were too close to home and tender. But then it says, “This is what the LORD says: “Stand at the crossroads and look; ask for the ancient paths, ask where the good way is, and walk in it, and you will find rest for your souls.”

Rest for my soul is exactly what I needed! The verse became a theme for me. Each time hurts flooded back, I had to choose to take the good road where I’d face my Savior, where peace could wash over me and bitterness be washed away. It was a choice I had to make over and over again. That Ancient Path led to healing and became the name for my new practice. It seemed fitting!

Eventually the new business flourished and the emotional wounds healed. I became a little more business savvy but promised myself I’d never work with anyone again. That would just be asking too much! Through the years I went from 20 births a year to over 60 a year – doing it all by myself. In mentoring midwifery students through all of that I met some doozies which just confirmed my stance on not working with anyone again. There were a few amazing women who could have made me reconsider but they were either involved in overseas missionary work or moved out of the area. And so I just kept plugging away, working hard, doing the best I could possibly do and being grateful for a family who supports and loves their midwife mama. I like working by myself, I do what I want, when I want, how I want and am pretty happy doing it. After a lot of rough storms, the waves of my life were pretty calm – smooth sailing as they say. And then I met her.

With my midwifery student out on maternity leave and a super busy season of babies around the corner, I began to look for someone who could help me out for a few months. I inquired to a few of my midwife friends and had one particular midwife recommended to me by a couple of them. I had met her at previous CMI conferences. She seemed nice enough although I didn’t really remember much about her except she looked like a sweet homeschooled girl . I asked my friend, “Are you sure? Her?” She assured me she was a very nice young lady with good qualifications and known to be of good character. I still wasn’t convinced and set to prayer about it. My logical side reminded me that it was only a temporary thing and I really was feeling weary from being on-call 24/7 and birth after birth. It would be nice to have a ‘real midwife’ and not just a helper as I faced a dozen or so births in a short period of time. I contacted her and asked if she would be willing to come work with me during this season. To my surprise, she didn’t have any clients of her own due during that time and was willing to come.

She arrived just days after Christmas and I know this sounds weird, but our souls just connected. If there is love at first site between friends, this was as close as I’ve ever got. The next days were a whirlwind of prenatal and postpartum visits combined with snippets of sharing ourselves with one another. Just three days after she arrived we did our first birth together. I was in awe at how well we meshed right from the start. She was helpful, encouraging and graceful. The second birth we did together I remember thinking, ‘she gets it’. In such a short time, she observed, performed and remembered. It amazed me that I didn’t have to tell her much, she just did, and she did everything in a way that impressed me and my clients. Could this be real?

I think it was somewhere around the second or third birth that I blurted out that I wanted her to stay and not leave, that I wanted her to work with me. Not FOR me, but WITH me – BIG difference! Where had that come from? I shocked myself! I’m not usually that impulsive. And I certainly wasn’t planning on extending any such invitation. This was cut and dry – she works, I pay, she goes home, I continue doing my thing. No questions asked and if all turns out well, then I have a new friend in another state. If it didn’t turn out so well then it was only eight weeks; I could put up with someone for eight weeks.

But my clients loved her – and so did I! She made me laugh and brought me a new sense of joy. We found ourselves finishing each other’s sentences, laughing at our jokes that sometimes we were the only ones to get. She wasn’t the stodgy, fuddy-duddy I thought she was. Instead there is life, joy, vitality and a depth beyond her years. We share a bond of brokenness, an understanding that comes from living similar circumstances combined with an understanding of our need for something beyond this world. Through Christ we are sisters and understand that we are nothing without His grace.

By divine intervention our lives connected, the waters of our lives swirling a bit faster than we anticipated. At the end of her service, we talked in earnest about her really coming back to California to work with me. We agreed to both pray about it and see how we felt when life returned to normal again.

By early May, we had an agreement. She’ll work through the summer on getting her CPM and CA license and then join me in the fall for a one-year assignment. This one-year agreement is open-ended and we’re going to take it one day at a time. What it does is help me to spend more time with my family. My son will begin a higher competition level hockey season in October requiring additional travel through the Western States. And we will be able to spend much-needed time with my Father. His health has been declining these last couple of years and although he only lives 2 hours away, two hours can mean the difference between attending and missing a birth. On my own, it’s hard to take that risk very often. With her help, I can safely make my Dad a priority without compromising my clients.

It scares me a bit to think that I’m putting myself out there again – opening up my practice that I’ve built up, allowing everything I do to be scrutinized, shared, changed. Instead of fear though, I’m excited. At times the waters seem murky; how will this all work? Where will the money come from to pay her what she’s worth? How will we split the work load? At other times I feel like I can see an island off in the distance – can make out the outlines but I know it’s so far off yet. The next five months will go both dolphin fast and sea slug slow!

At times I feel so unworthy to have her in my life. The scar tissue on my heart reminds me of my past. Then I’m reminded of the words of the prophet Micah. “Who is a God like you, who pardons sin and forgives the transgression of the remnant of his inheritance? You do not stay angry forever but delight to show mercy. You will again have compassion on us; you will tread our sins underfoot and hurl all our iniquities into the depths of the sea.” Into a sea of forgetfulness he casts my sins. If my God can forgive me and carry me beyond the messes I make then who am I to hold stubborn to the past and not trust Him for my future? For years the trade winds have been carrying me happily along. But there has been a complete reversal of circumstances – the tides are turning and I’m ready for the adventure……

She shares my love for dark chocolate and got me hooked on Dove. As my most recent wrapper says, “Don’t settle for a spark….light a fire instead.” Keep your eyes open; there’s going to be 2 HOT midwives in Chino come November!

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